When I went home after interim bail, there was hope that maybe the decision would be in favor.
This time when I returned to Tihar after interim bail, a lot had changed. About fifty more prisoners were put into the barracks, which were already quite crowded. Meaning peace and tranquility had further decreased. When the Supreme Court rejected the bail, this loss became more felt. I was trying to recover from the media uproar after the verdict. Because of TV news and newspaper reporting, more prisoners know me now than ever before. Everyone wants to talk to me, I don’t know if it is just out of curiosity or surprise. But, I want to be completely alone for some time.
When I went home after interim bail, there was hope that maybe the decision would be in favor. I packed all my books, notes, letters, photographs, cards and took them home. After the bail was rejected and there was no possibility of leaving from here for a year, whatever arrangements I had made in my cell seemed completely empty. Maybe this is a new beginning.
The first few days after the decision are always difficult. The day the Supreme Court rejected my bail, I remembered those days in 2022, when my bail was rejected for the first time in the lower court. I was shaken to my core. Now, after spending more than five years, I have become accustomed to feeling helpless when bail was rejected by three different courts. However, sadness increases during cold weather. I sleep wrapped in a shawl and several warm clothes, because the strong winds coming through the iron bars of the cell at night make it difficult to sleep on the cement slab. There is still some peace in the morning, when we are allowed to go out and walk and sit in the sunshine.
But after 3 o’clock in the afternoon, when it is time to go back to the lockup, disappointment begins to set in. My mind begins to sink into darkness. I start wondering whether I will ever be able to come out as a free person. It also comes to mind that what if we get bail? Those who have been granted bail by the court, such strict restrictions have been imposed on them that life outside will probably be as limited as it is inside the jail.
This time is also very challenging because my old TV has also broken down. Most of the movies on TV these days are quite toxic, and the news is even more so. But what gave me courage was the radio installed in it, through which I could listen to some songs. Music has been my constant companion during my stay in jail. Hopefully, I’ll try to get myself another TV soon, not a fancy one, just one that has a radio.
I also get solace from the animals and birds of Tihar. I used to feed two cats, Shilpa and Shyamlal. Later, Shilpa had two children, whom I named Black Panther and Stuart Little. Watching their daily mischiefs is fun and heartwarming. It also makes me realize that I like spending time with humans more than with them.
It is strange and interesting that people accused of various crimes spend their time inside the jail, feeding everything from cats to birds and even lizards and ants! There is a superstition here that by feeding animals and birds one gets reward (merit), which can ultimately lead to freedom. Therefore, it is common to find particles of bread or sugar scattered on the barrack floor, so that the ants can get enough food. The cleaner of our barrack often complains about this, but the prisoners do not improve. A prisoner was watering a tree in our barrack for a few weeks, he got bail. The next day, when he left, three more men took over the job of watering the tree, hoping that they too would be released. You see, hope is like stubbornness, even in prison.
I am thinking of resuming my studies. However, I was a little disappointed after the bail was rejected. I already have a list of books in my mind that I need to start reading. Now the wait for independence seems longer than ever. Therefore, I must do whatever I can to push myself forward, especially in an environment where people’s doubts about the allegations made against me have been transformed into beliefs. In the mainstream media, I am now being called a ‘terrorist’ and not an ‘anti-national’.
I can’t change how people who believe what the government says see me. But I want those who stand with me to understand that I reject the victimhood that people often associate with me. There is indeed pain in this never-ending wait, but there is a beauty in this pain too. I’m happy where I am, no matter what’s happening to me, because it feels good to know that it’s not just me. Putting me in jail is not just targeting me as an individual; This is also to teach a lesson to my fellow comrades that anyone who dares to ask difficult questions to those in power will be forcibly silenced without any relief. So, this battle that I am fighting is also bigger than me as an individual. Those who believe what I say will have to change the way they talk about me and others for that matter. Our fight is for an idea, for an era in our society when some people will not have more rights than others. This faith makes this pain bearable.
I wake up every day with the lines of Bhagat Singh that I have written on my prison wall:
Every particle of ash is warm with my heat
I am so mad that I am free even in jail.
(As told to Apeksha Priyadarshini.)
